I try to turn my head to get a look at the prick, but the prick lets me know that’s a bad idea with the pointy end of his spear. Blood runs down my cheek. I don’t like bleeding.

I raise my hands in surrender (a little sick comes up in my mouth) and slowly reach back for Agnar.

There’s that beep (already getting on my wick) and the radio voice says:

‘Don’t do anything stupid, beast. I will drive this through your head.’

‘I’m no beast and I don’t like being called one’ I reply, in my best I-will-risk-it-to-cut-you-in-half voice.

beep ‘Yellow skin, white eyes, pointy ears. No human I’ve ever seen, And I have seen more than you can imagine.’

Ugh, he’s one of those. Next he’ll start telling me what he’s seen and then I really will have to risk getting skewered to cut his face off.

I slowly draw Agnar and drop him on the floor. RadioVoice lets me know with the spear that I need to move back. But it also allows me to turn so I can get a look at him.

It’s definitely a dude. I think. He’s got a cape, so already I hate him even more. His face is completely covered by his helmet - like a gas mask over the mouth with tubes coming out, two big round orange eyes and on the forehead it looks like a bad sculptor made him some deer antlers out of steel. Behind the antlers it looks like he’s got a little gong on his head.

I try to stifle a laugh. Unsuccessfully.

beep ‘Something funny, beast?’

‘I told you - don’t call me beast. Call me Leonard. And what do I call you? RoboDeer?’

He pauses, tilts his head. I don’t think my joke landed.

beep ’Leonard it is. What are you doing here, Leonard?’

He’s getting friendly. Was hoping that would mean his guard would come down, but so far it hasn’t. Still - I’ll play nice & maybe it will.

‘I’ve been asking myself the same thing, uh..’

beep ‘I am The Voidhunter.’

Christ.

‘Uh, Voidhunter. I don’t want to be here. I don’t seem to have a choice. I got in a fight with a Tree Bastard, and when I woke up I didn’t seem to have much free will anymore. I got these voices in my head telling me where to go, and they seem to like sending me into shit. The deeper the shit, the better. So here I am. Your turn.’

Well it is called a fucking Slowyrm, right? So time gets f•••ed up around 'em (like VoidNerd here, stuck in slow motion) hence why it's taken so long to get back to you. Well, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway.. you've decided to have a go at the wyrm eh? Reeeeeeeaaaall clever.

F••• me I hate you guys.

Anyway, I don't have a choice so here's what's up:

As described, the wyrm is big and nasty, but not particularly fast… I think (I have no idea how fast it is)



VoidNerd is out of commission, being trapped in a time-bubble an’ all… 



I, on the other hand, am f•••ing fast.



Gonna need you to be too (I know, I know - the irony… well I’m not sorry)



I have some choices about where to send the danger-end of Agnar, but which one you choose will determine if I get the f•••er down in one or if I need to try and keep stabbing this big b•st•rd or whether it will be like ‘oh look, more dinner’ and the f•••er eats me…



Its time-bubble-trap-thing isn’t visible really, but I can kinda make it out.. how? Dust. There’s dust everywhere, but where I can see it’s static - that means time is different there. Aren’t I clever?

So, I’m basically about 8 inches or so from it. Too f•••ing close. 



The way I see it, I have three options:

Go for the belly:
 The way it’s rearing up leaves it exposed but that hide looks fucking thick. Traditionally a soft part of any beast, I have no way of knowing if it’s a weak spot on this f•••er. A lunge there, however, moves me away from the time bubble…

Go for the sack: No, not that sack, you dirty b•st•rds. The throbbing gross thing where I’d guess its throat is. If I use the shelves as a jump-off, I reckon I can just about reach it with a slice. I have no idea what the f•••ing thing does, so no idea if cutting that will put the wyrm out of commission. So it’s a risky one, especially if it’s quicker than it looks and I miss…



Go for the head: My other option is to try and get around it, climb up the f•••er, and stick Agnar right where I pray to the Dead Gods (why do I say that shit?) its brain is. Usually when you drive an unbreakable katana into something’s head, it dies, right? Right?? Anyway, this is prob going to take the longest time so could easily result in me hanging on to the back of a giant worm-monster, while it slowly dissolves my captor. Maybe not the worst outcome in that sense, but it will surely turn its attention to me next.

So… You chose the sack.

Huh.

You folks are f&$%ed up.

Anyway, decision made so time to take my chances. A reminder though - if you kill me I’ll kill you.

Just to set the scene again:

• Lost in a creepy old mausoleum I didn’t want to go into.

• Giant f£&^ing worm.

• D1ckhead who managed to capture me (a first), trapped in a time bubble made by the worm.

• Giant f^%ing worm about to eat him which I don’t think is a bad thing.

• Me about to try and slice a gross throbbing thing & hope I don’t get eaten too.

Right.

The sack is revolting. Just under where its chin would be if worms had chins. The surface is undulating with some kind of red bioluminescence, pulsating in time. There are throbbing veins, and the whole thing looks… slippery. If I had eaten in the last day or 4, it’d be coming back up. And believe me when I say I’ve seen some gross sh1t in my time and generally have a stomach for it. But this is truly f&^$ing gnarly.

It’s up high, about 20 feet I reckon. But it’s coming down as its great gaping maw makes for Robodick’s head. And, there’s shelves right by me I can use as a launchpad.

I’ve got about 4 seconds to do this because a) it’s moving deceptively quickly and b) I suddenly get an overwhelming sense that it’s attention is on me. Weird as it doesn’t have eyes, but I just know that f&^$er is watching me now. Hungrily.

Game time.

Agnar is on the floor, just outside where the static dust tells me time is f&^%ed there. I stoop, grab the sword, push off a standing foot, plant the other on a shelf (which doesn’t give way thank f&^k) and jump, both hands on Agnars handle, arcing it back behind my head heroically. The muscles on my arms are now clearly defined.

The scene looks a bit like this:

But the worm is looking at me now, I swear.

I see the sack pulse, and change colour just once, to blue.

I can feel myself slow.

Oh.

Shit.

………………

It’s a funny sensation, being trapped in a time bubble. Because you can sense it - you know you’re in slow motion. But at the same time it feels kinda normal. Like I only know I’m slow because I’m not getting any closer to that f&^%ing sack and everything around me seems to be moving on fast-forward. Everything, as in - Robodick.

By turning on me, the worm has forgotten about him. And he’s just stuck the pointy end of his spear into it’s belly.

When I say ‘into’ I mean more - ‘on’. Because it doesn’t go in - that hide is tough as it turns out and if you had voted to go for there, I’d be dead so.. congrats.. I guess.. I still hate you.

It’s enough though. The Slowyrm feels it, and is distracted. And time gets so fucked up for me I’m not sure I’m even conscious of the fact I’ve sliced that gross f&^$ing thing right off its gross f&^$ing neck (If worms had necks) until after it happens.

It is now really pissed off.

Much quicker than I’ve seen it move before, it lunges at Robodick who cartwheels (what a dick) to the side, avoiding the worm’s mouth. Meanwhile, I’ve landed on its back and I’m holding on for dear life while the b$st4rd thrashes around.

Robodick is pointlessly jabbing his toothpick at it and screaming something. It’s hard to make out because he sounds like a f&^%ing radio, but I do notice (and I’m sure he does too) there’s no time-f&^ked-up-edness anymore. We can both move normally (if you consider clinging on to a giant thrashing worm normal).

And then I make it out: ‘the head!’

This ain’t easy, but somehow (by being awesome) I turn, grip with my legs as much as I can, and drive Agnar down into it’s slimy b4st4rd f^%king head where I hope it’s brain is.

It rears once, then down we come as it slams into the floor, dead as a doornail.

F£^k.

You.

………………………………..

‘Well done’ he says.

‘F^$k you too.’ I reply.

He seems to find this amusing, which of course makes me hate him even more.

I’ve still got Agnar drawn because I’m still itching to kill this f^%$er, even if he thinks we’re besties now.

As he’s dusting himself off, he nods towards the sack, which looks like a beached jellyfish except gross-er.

‘Pick that up and take it with you.’

‘Uh. What? Why the f^%k would I want to pick that sh1t up?’

‘Because it’s one of the rarest things in existence, certainly when separated from its owner. And we’re going to use it.’

‘Use it? What do you mean ‘use it’? And what’s this ‘we’ business?’

I give Agnar a little twirl, just to remind him I can and will stick it in his face.

‘Look. I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. I’m sure you understand, I have to be careful, especially when you are the first thing even remotely resembling a human I’ve seen here in.. Well if time was a thing, it would be a long one. I’m especially careful when I find someone snooping around the artefacts. You could, after all, be a thief.’

‘I’m no f&^$ing thief.’

‘I see that now. I would like to know what you are, however. And who. But for now, we should go. And you should bring that thing with you. I think you’ll like what we do with it.’

He’s moved back towards the gate.

‘Coming?’ he asks.

Dead Gods, I hate him.

So what should I do?